Bruce's Lips
by snails-on-the-french-riviera
Summary: There's a crazy person in Gordon's office, babbling about lips. what the heck? a crack fic-esque oneshot. luv you!


**A/N****: so, yeah. This is kind of a crack fic, but not a very good crack fic… I don't even know. But whatever. It just happened, and is now demanding to be posted, so yeah. I'm a pushover, what can I say? Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!**

**Summary: there's a crazy lady in Police Chief Gordon's offoce, babbling about lips. What the Heck is going on!?**

**Disclaimer: Batman and his peeps belong to- ummm...- well whoever created them. not me. unfortunatly. [pouts]**

**Bruce's Lips**

Police Chief Gordon sat at his desk, gently massaging his temples with his fingertips. He had had an incredibly long and trying day, full of policeman-y work and whatnot, he had a headache, his wife was pissed at him because he was never home, and now-

"So- let me get this straight. You're telling me that not only have you discovered the Batman's secret identity, but that you have done so using a, and I quote, 'a combination of my super-duper amazing psychic powers, a number of stalker photo's my friend took, and a _high tech lip recognition device'!!?"_

The young, bubbly blonde sitting in front of him nodded and added brightly, "and I'm one hundred percent willing to sell it to you for a chocolate bar- oh, and a nickel!"

"why on earth would I- wait, why a nickel?"

"Because, I like nickels," she said matter-of-factly, "they're _shiny!_"

Gordon rolled his eyes. "you're crazy._"_

The blond looked hurt. "I am _not! _ Well, okay, maybe a little, but I'm totally telling the truth here! I can prove it."

Her lips quivered a bit, and then- she did the unthinkable.

_Ahhh! Shit! Not that, anything but that! Bambi eyes! So… cute!…..will…..fading…_

"Dammit, fine! You've got two minutes."

Damn those Bambi eyes!

The girl perked up immediately.

"Awright!!" she squealed, and took a deep breath before launching into a highly convoluted and rapidly spoken explanation.

Of which Gordon caught only one word in ten.

This is approximately what he heard:

So-[inintelligible babble]

-crush-[ more babble]

-ten years older-[insert babble here]

-there's _no way!_-[babblebabblebabble]

-totally obsessesed-[blahblahblah]

-so creepy!-[ladidadida,noideawhatyouresaying]

-OMG, obvious much!?-[hello, babbling! Its nice to see you again too!! How are you? Oh really, that's good to hear!]

-restraining order-[ what's that you say, Mr. Babble? Oh, you're getting married! Congratulations! When's the big day?]

-got together with my ex's cousin's old roommate from freshman year-[So, do you do any golfing, Babs? I can call you Babs, right? Because I feel like we're going to be seeing each other quite a bit, you and I]

-hard to keep track you know?"

_What? Oh, she's stopped talking, has she?_

She was looking at him expectantly_. _

_Oh crud, had she asked him something? Now what?_

He 'hmm'-ed vaguely and nodded, hoping that was enough.

Apparently so, because she launched right back into her tirade, if you could call it that.

"-found one of Brucie-[babblebabblebabble]

-stalker-photos-[oh god, now she's waving her hands about! Duck and Cover, men, duck and cover!]

-them, just incase-[help, I'm drowning! The flood of babble- its unstoppable!]

-Brucie's bodyguards-[nooo! It's to much… slipping under!....glub..glub…(dies)]

-press charges-[(comes back to life) say what!]

-bury the evidence, you know-[I am so confused!]

-really good photo of him-[is it just me, or is this girl crazy?]

-in focus and-[she looks kinda like a monkey]

-decided to print-[ on drugs.]

-like, burn it or-[ crossed with a valley girl]

-so over him. So-[ also on drugs]

-old newspapers-[and maybe a goldfish]

-saw this one with a picture of Batman on it, and-['cause their mouths are always]

-no idea-[opening and shutting]

-see his face and everything-[but no words ever come out.]

-obviously he was wearing a mask, but-[who's wearing a mask?]

-at Brucie, and-[who the hell is Brucie?!]

-Revelation!-[I'm sorry, when did the Bible come into this!?]

-to Barb, and-[I give up…]

-OMG Barb, they're totally the same person! And she was like-[I actually understood part of that there! Maybe she's slowing down?]

-so are! And then-[nope, false alarm]

-I mean, _obviously _the police-[ah, I was wondering when we would come into this]

-vital information, right?"

Silence.

Gordon blinked. Was she finished?

More silence

_I think she is. I truly sincerely think she's stopped talking. _

_Thank the Lord! We're saved! Oh Joy and rapture! Oh ecstasy-_

_But wait. What if it's a hallucination? Have I finally snapped? Am I crazy now?_

"um, _Hello?!_ Can I have my chocolate now? And my nickel?"

"eeeehh…" he mumbled, scrambling once again for an appropriate response.

He settled for, "I don't understand…"

The Crazy-Lady huffed, and pulled two objects from her purse. Slapping them down on the desk, she cried out excitedly, "Just- just look! Look, I tell you! L_O_O_K!!!!!_"

_Well, hello there, crazy eyes. I think you're going to kill me._

Gordon looked. Two photos lay there innocently, side by side. One was of Batman, looking suitably intimidating in his cape and cowl. The photographer had somehow managed to get close enough for the part of his face not covered by his mask to be clearly visible. The other was of-

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Y-you think _Bruce Wayne _is the Batman!! AHAHAHAHAHAA! That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard! There's no effing way that _Bruce effing Wayne_ is Batman. The guy's an idiot. No activity going on inside that pretty little head of his. AHAHAHAHAhahahahhahah……..ehehe.."

Gordon got his hysterical laughter under control with difficulty. He took a deep breath, visibly regaining his composure, and said, straight faced, "I'm sorry miss, but you see, there's no way this could be true. You're mistaken."

He promptly dissolved into giggl- I mean, manly chuckles- again.

_pfft… Bruce Wayne….ha!_

Crazy-Lady looked affronted. "Excuse me!? It's the truth! I mean- just look at the photos!"

Gordon glanced again at the photos.

"I see no resemblance, Craz- I mean, young lady."

"the LIPS! LOOK AT THE _LIPS, YOU FOOL!!!_ Just look at them! They're both so, so weird looking and pink! I'd know those lips anywhere! They're the same, I tell you, the _same_!!!"

Gordon gave her a _look._ "You're basing your wild theory off of _Bruce Wayne's lips?_" he said incredulously.

Crazy-Lady nodded, "YES! Just look at those lips, ha! He thought he could hide his identity, but it's futile! His stupid lips give him away! What now, Batman, what now!! Batman, ha! Or shall I say, LIPman? Hahaha!!!"

_Oh._

_Oh my._

_She's gone certifiably nutso now. _

_Goodness, but that's frightening. _

"oh yeah, uh huh, oh yeah.." The girl started doing a hyper little victory dance.

Gordon edged away from her.

"Ookay, crazy-lady, I'm just gonna call in some –ah- _friends_ of mine, and you can tell them all about your nice little theory, how's that sound?"

He reached under his desk and hit the button for security. Immediately, two burly men hustled into the room. He nodded towards the still dancing girl, and motioned for them to take her away.

"why, hello my friends! Bruce Wayne is the Batman, you can tell by his lips you- hey, what're you doing with that straight jacket!? What! NOOOOO!!! Don't do this, it's true I swear! The lips, the lips, look at the lips! My logic is undeniable! My logic is undeniable!! NOOOOOOO!!!!"

And with that, the two security guards dragged girl out the door, still yelling incoherently about lips.

Gordon sat down at his desk, and rested his head against the cool metal.

A very long day indeed.

----------------------------------------------------------------

**End notes: Because seriously, Christian Bale's lips are just- unique. There is just no way no one would recognize them. Its just not possible.**

**And now I'm gonna go to sleep. Because I am S-I-C-K!**

Caio!


End file.
